Tell me mother

Dear Mom,
There are a few things I forgot to ask you. I want to know the things I cannot change. I want to know if I can do anything that I dream. I want to know what you think about my life. How did I turn out? Did you expect this, or am I completly different? These are the questions that will go unanswered forever.
Unanswered questions can go either way in terms of being good or bad. I wonder if you were here to answer these questions if I would like the answers. I'm not so sure, but who knows.

Mom, I will never get over you.

Dear Mom,
When you lose a loved one, people tell you that one day you will get over it, that it gets easier, that the pain goes away. In truth, it doesnt. It never gets easier, it just gets easier to bury. People never know what to say when they have found out that your mom is dead. They will apologize, even though it's clearly not thier fault. Or sometimes they will bring up someone they have lost like its suppossed to compare to your story, which it doesn't. Just like my loss will ever compare to thiers. People handle things differently, therfore one loss can never be compared to another. One thing i think people dont realize is that fact that it never becomes real, and when it does slightly start to become real I start to try and hide it, or make it go away. I hate being alone because when I'm alone i think about how real it really is. When I'm alone I focus on these facts, where when my mind is not focused on my mom's death its almost like i'm gonna go home to her, or call and check in with her later, you know people are always away from thier mother. It's just realizing true reality that your never coming home, and that I'll never come home to see you. Or the fact that I'm never going to look out into an audiance and see you smiling and clapping with pride. I've realized you'll never plan my wedding or help mend my dress. You'll never baby sit my children, you'll never spoil them with candy. I can never pick up a phone and call you and tell you how great my days been. None of that, and I am scared. Im scared to face life without you.

Beyond that, when a loved one dies they become a memory, just another name, just another body in the ground. You know longer have a voice, or an opinion. To the rest of the world, you don't matter. You become just another picture in the family album, just another story. Nothing is present of you. You cannot hold the ones you love, or yell at the ones you hate. You are gone, a spirit lost forever.

People say death is a crossover, but who knows. What if you are here, or what if spirits don't exsist. No one can really say what goes on. Personally, I like to believe in god. I like to believe that even though you did wrong that you are in heaven, away from your suffering, free from your addiction. I pray that your are rich in your words, and humble in your actions, and that one day when i die, I will see you again. That's my thought anyways.

My strange relationship with my mothers sister.

Dear Mom,
I flew out to see your sister with my best friend this weekend. The trip was interesting. I swear it's like sometimes I can look into her eyes and see you. It's so wierd because you guys are completly different.
When she came out when I was little, I believe it was the last time she saw you. It was the most awkward Visit ever. We couldn't let her into our motel room because it was to dirty to let anyone see. I think we went to the beach, because I have pictures of it that she sent me when you passed. You smoked a bowl before you saw her and said you wanted to relax. I had to run out of the motel and meet her. It was so wierd, I didn't even know what she looked like. She came up to me. We had smoothies at this one smootie bar and they were gross. I tried to suck it down before she realized the nasty face I was probably making. She couln't stop calling her famly though. Everytime we would turn around she would be on the phone. It got really annoying after a while.
The next time I saw her, it was for your funeral. She came out to Cali and got a hotel. She only stayed for a few days, and I spent the night with her. I guess it was nice, we bonded a little more. We ate breakfast at Mcdonald's and I was still very speechless, so we didn't talk about you much. When she left I missed her a lot. I'm not sure why. I think it's because she reminds me of you so much.
This last visit was outragous. Her kids are very cute, and very structured. It's crazy how perfect her life seems. Perfect husband, perfect kids, perfect house, perfect vacations, and I can't help but think how much she could have helped me. How I suffered for so long and she was never there. She's apologized many times, but I still can't get over it. I made a vow to never ever do that to anyone I care about. It's a terrible feeling. She got to meet my best friend Jaymee and her feelings about your sister were very funny. You would have laughed so hard if you heard what she had to say.
I always wonder what it was like with you two. If you were close or not. I can only go by what she has to say which is only one sided. I know a little of what you had said, but those stories are crazy.
Winona

My mother stood there.

Dear Mom,

I remember when you knew we wouldn't be able to pay the rent or the bills. When you sat with your hands in your eyes and cried. Black ran down your face as your make up came off in your tears. You hated not being able to provide. I just sat next to you wondering what we were going to do, what I had wondered many, many times before.
When we got home one day from the store, there was a 90 day eviction notice on the door.You just stood there. We took it off, and tried to come in but as we tried to turn on the lights they didn't turn on the electricity was out to. We lit some candles and went and grabbed a cooler for our milk so it didnt rot. This was the begining of living ut of coolers. A couple months later when the sheriffs showed up and told us to get out. I can still remember your face, as you just stood there. What else was there to do? They yelled and yelled and yelled. His face was red, and his eyes gleaming in anger. It was crazy. When we took our suitcases and left all I wanted to do was go back. I was so upset.

My Mother Is Now A Memory.

Dear Mom,

Here we go again mom. I'm stuck in your mememory sometimes, and ever since you died, I think about you everyday. Im not stuck in the past though, dont confuse it please. I have completely moved on, I believe. I've found when I look at your pictures, or pictures of us that I am happy. I enjoy seeing us together or seeing you when I thought you were happy. I try to pretend that you never left that your still here, or one phone call away. In reality, your not, and will never be. Which does in fact scare the shit out me. I try to face the fact that your gone. That you never got to see who I am now, or what I will be one day. I wish I could show you everything. Better said in his words:

" I know if I had one more day, it would leave me wishin still for one more day with you"

Love, Winona

My mother showed me life.

Dear Mom,

So there I was stuck in this horrible place.The rain was running in and I was getting wet. Cold, and in this small laundry room. I was curled in a ball. I was 11 years old. I had run away from you. I couldn't stand watching you do drugs, and ruin our lives anymore.

I don't know why I decided I could live on my own. It was probably because I had taken care of myself sorta for a long time before that.I just don't understand why no one came looking for me, almost like no one cared, and that's what I thought in the beginning. Maybe that's why I stayed gone, and didn't come back. It was the third time I had run away and I didn't think I was coming back this time, I never did. If I wouldn't have left I feel like things would be different between you and me. But what's don't is done right? That's what you would have said.

Mom, I just want you to know, that I learned how to be so independent from you. I'm very different from everyone else my age. I cant stand being jobless, I like to have money, and I like to do things for myself. I refuse to rely on a man, or a paycheck. I know that you bore me for a reason. I guess I feel like I need to find some sort of niche in the world. Something to prove that I was put here, on this earth for a reason. I just don't know what yet. I'm pissed your not here to show me. Isn't that what mothers are supposed to do?

My mother was a smoker.

Dear Mom,

You smoked like it was going out of buisness. Bowl after bowl, cigarette after cigarette.
Love Winona