Dear Mom,
There are a few things I forgot to ask you. I want to know the things I cannot change. I want to know if I can do anything that I dream. I want to know what you think about my life. How did I turn out? Did you expect this, or am I completly different? These are the questions that will go unanswered forever.
Unanswered questions can go either way in terms of being good or bad. I wonder if you were here to answer these questions if I would like the answers. I'm not so sure, but who knows.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Mom, I will never get over you.
Dear Mom,
When you lose a loved one, people tell you that one day you will get over it, that it gets easier, that the pain goes away. In truth, it doesnt. It never gets easier, it just gets easier to bury. People never know what to say when they have found out that your mom is dead. They will apologize, even though it's clearly not thier fault. Or sometimes they will bring up someone they have lost like its suppossed to compare to your story, which it doesn't. Just like my loss will ever compare to thiers. People handle things differently, therfore one loss can never be compared to another. One thing i think people dont realize is that fact that it never becomes real, and when it does slightly start to become real I start to try and hide it, or make it go away. I hate being alone because when I'm alone i think about how real it really is. When I'm alone I focus on these facts, where when my mind is not focused on my mom's death its almost like i'm gonna go home to her, or call and check in with her later, you know people are always away from thier mother. It's just realizing true reality that your never coming home, and that I'll never come home to see you. Or the fact that I'm never going to look out into an audiance and see you smiling and clapping with pride. I've realized you'll never plan my wedding or help mend my dress. You'll never baby sit my children, you'll never spoil them with candy. I can never pick up a phone and call you and tell you how great my days been. None of that, and I am scared. Im scared to face life without you.
Beyond that, when a loved one dies they become a memory, just another name, just another body in the ground. You know longer have a voice, or an opinion. To the rest of the world, you don't matter. You become just another picture in the family album, just another story. Nothing is present of you. You cannot hold the ones you love, or yell at the ones you hate. You are gone, a spirit lost forever.
People say death is a crossover, but who knows. What if you are here, or what if spirits don't exsist. No one can really say what goes on. Personally, I like to believe in god. I like to believe that even though you did wrong that you are in heaven, away from your suffering, free from your addiction. I pray that your are rich in your words, and humble in your actions, and that one day when i die, I will see you again. That's my thought anyways.
When you lose a loved one, people tell you that one day you will get over it, that it gets easier, that the pain goes away. In truth, it doesnt. It never gets easier, it just gets easier to bury. People never know what to say when they have found out that your mom is dead. They will apologize, even though it's clearly not thier fault. Or sometimes they will bring up someone they have lost like its suppossed to compare to your story, which it doesn't. Just like my loss will ever compare to thiers. People handle things differently, therfore one loss can never be compared to another. One thing i think people dont realize is that fact that it never becomes real, and when it does slightly start to become real I start to try and hide it, or make it go away. I hate being alone because when I'm alone i think about how real it really is. When I'm alone I focus on these facts, where when my mind is not focused on my mom's death its almost like i'm gonna go home to her, or call and check in with her later, you know people are always away from thier mother. It's just realizing true reality that your never coming home, and that I'll never come home to see you. Or the fact that I'm never going to look out into an audiance and see you smiling and clapping with pride. I've realized you'll never plan my wedding or help mend my dress. You'll never baby sit my children, you'll never spoil them with candy. I can never pick up a phone and call you and tell you how great my days been. None of that, and I am scared. Im scared to face life without you.
Beyond that, when a loved one dies they become a memory, just another name, just another body in the ground. You know longer have a voice, or an opinion. To the rest of the world, you don't matter. You become just another picture in the family album, just another story. Nothing is present of you. You cannot hold the ones you love, or yell at the ones you hate. You are gone, a spirit lost forever.
People say death is a crossover, but who knows. What if you are here, or what if spirits don't exsist. No one can really say what goes on. Personally, I like to believe in god. I like to believe that even though you did wrong that you are in heaven, away from your suffering, free from your addiction. I pray that your are rich in your words, and humble in your actions, and that one day when i die, I will see you again. That's my thought anyways.
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